Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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