your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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