Duck Duck Cougar?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
