The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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