There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
