brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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