1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
