Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
