I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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