Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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