I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
