Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
