apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
How naked do you want me to be?
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