Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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