mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
