boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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