Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
