And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
