Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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