Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I have fence marks all over my body
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
