I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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