whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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