I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
