I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
