you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
