Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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