I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
