The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
FUCK WHALES
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
