He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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