I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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