I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
