So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
