so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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