oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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