is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
