My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
