I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize