Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
