So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
