Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
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Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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