Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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