Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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