How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
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Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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