haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
