Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
