Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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