Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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