I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
