maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
