It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
