i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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