so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
