you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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