I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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